Just as solution focused therapy focuses on what you want to happen instead of the problem, then working towards self-improvement shows working on strengths is better for us than working on weaknesses.
We have a misguided belief that if we focus hard on our weaknesses we can change them. But how many times does someone say at New Year, I’m going on a diet, going to the gym, cutting back on alcohol then fails to do it.
If you think about it, it’s easier to change what you can control, so focusing on the bad habit can create a lack of motivation, lower self-esteem and a drop in confidence. There is a syndrome called False Hope Syndrome, which shows some people are over confident in their ability to, which leads to setting unrealistic goals. So for someone who wishes to give up a habit – looking at times they are doing it – they need to find more positive activities to replace it.
Researchers found that the further away someone was from who they wanted to be, the more they believed they could change themselves to become this ideal person, but because they believed it was easy to change a weakness they set themselves unrealistic goals.
If you focus instead on your strengths, you are more likely to feel happier and less depressed and lacking in motivation. Neglecting those strengths can also find those strengths start to wane as the focus on weakness becomes dominant.
So think about the strengths you want to strengthen even more. If you feel you’re a kind person, go one step further and volunteer to help out in events or an elderly person who could do with a hand cutting the grass or clipping their hedge.
If you are a strong reader, then volunteer to teach children to read. If you believe that intelligence can be developed then take on more challenging problems.
Our beliefs about what we can and cannot change can themselves be changed, so that’s good news for all those with limiting beliefs. I often see this happening in relationships. Someone makes the same mistakes over and over again often thinks there must be something wrong with them, however it could be that they respond to certain cues. So someone acts as though they need help, there could be part of us that automatically kicks in to help out, as we believe we are doing something good by stepping in. However as soon as that person shows signs of recovery and is back on their feet, may find that helpful person disappear as they can’t see themselves in a role that is not helping. These mixed messages break up many newly developing relationships.
I call it the white knight syndrome, where the woman is feeling sad, upset, bereaved or emotionally unstable. They find this kind man helps them through it but when they are back on their feet again, making suggestions of what they can do next, the man disappears.
Recognising these strengths in others can allow us to nurture them. That is in fact a good skill to sharpen.
Disclaimer:
Hypnotherapy is effective, however results may vary and success in not guaranteed. Full client commitment is important. Please read FAQ’s for more details.
Penny Ling is a widely experienced hypnotherapist who has worked with everyone from top executives to stroke victims since 2007. She has been editor of Hypnotherapy Today Magazine and is a supervisor and mentor for members of the AfSFH and NCH.
Read Penny’s inspiring story “How I beat all my phobias”, or find out more how hypnotherapy could help your problem by downloading “How Solution Focused Hypnotherapy can help with life”. Feel free to send Penny a message here.
